He said this while looking into my eyes as I looked for ways to avoid eye contact with him. Struggling to keep the tears already formed in my eyes from falling I said “I am fine” and smiled.

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling as though I’m trapped in a world that’s different from the one I know, lost in a darkness that’s difficult to escape from, and overwhelmed by pain and thoughts. I want to speak but I have no words to say,I want to write about how I feel but I don’t know how to express this pain that I feel, I want to pray about it but everytime I try all I do is cry. I want to talk to my father and tell Him how I feel, I want to ask a lot of questions like “God! What is happening to me?”

I’ve recently found myself drawn to spending time alone and in darkness, and have lost my appetite. I tried to cook something when I felt hungry, but even then I couldn’t bring myself to eat, and ended up throwing the food out. The one time I bought something to eat, after eating, I began to feel some kind of pain in my tummy.

I make myself go to work, and when I come home, it’s difficult to leave the house again. When I did go out, I covered myself in a large scarf so that no one could see me. I feel very withdrawn and isolated from the world.

I look at myself in the mirror but I see a different person, my eyes swollen , my neck so lean and my face pale. When I stand to walk, I feel so weak, my head is spinning, my body is shaking, God what is this?

Chats, I find hard to reply and when I eventually reply it sounds so dry because I have the lost the happiness in me. They asked “are you fine?” ” Tell me what’s wrong?” And he was among them. Some immediately stopped talking to me because of my response to chats but he still message and forced me to talk . He didn’t mind how dry I sounded, all he wanted was to bring me out of the darkness that I have found myself in.

Just like every other day, he messaged me yesterday. He said ” I want to see you, come outside” and I said ” I can’t come outside”. He said again ” come outside” and at this point I knew I just had to. I forced myself outside and decided to wear a smile just like I do every other day. It has always been the best camouflage. I saw him and I greeted with a smile, he didn’t smile in return. I sat down beside Him and he asked “what is wrong with you?” I smiled and said ” I am fine, can’t you see that I’m smilling?” I said while avoiding eye contacts with him . He kept on talking and when it struck me was when he said ” I miss you tildah, I miss that cheerful girl, I miss that girl that brought me out of the darkness that I was, I miss the girl that told me I was killing myself because I always drank , I miss the girl that told me when I was down that there is hope .Tildah how do you expect me to feel when you that told me about hope now looks hopeless, you look tattered, see your hair, look at how lean you have become , I miss that soldier, I miss my sister “And there It struck me, I couldn’t hold it in, the tears fell freely from my eyes. I couldn’t stop crying and I Said “I don’t know what wrong” he drew me close and we remained like that for some mins . I cried uncontrollably. The tears couldn’t stop coming and he wiped the tears off with his hands. He hugged me so tight and comforted me. He assured me that I wasn’t alone. I know I’ll be fine eventually but for now all I can do is struggle to come out of this.

This is friendship!!

Though I don’t feel completely better or okay but it helped a bit.

Like my other articles, I always end with motivational talks but today I have nothing to say. I have no word of encouragement. All I can say for now is ” IT IS WELL”

❤️❤️❤️